


too good to be good for me

by scorpiusismypatronus



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Backstory, Blood, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Hallucinations, Height Differences, Homophobia, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I don't have hallucinations (as far as I know) so if I fleck up please tell me!!!, I love him, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Kleinsen, M/M, Mentions of Taylor Swift, POV Jared, Post-Canon, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Skipping Class, Star Wars References, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, YALL IM COPING I S2G, fergalicious, i love jared, i love the world enigma, ig????, im fine, im sorry, jared in the bathroom by himself, jareds a meme ok, pink berry (the froyo place from bmc), sk8er boi, suicide ideation, the crush song, the ‘voice’/hallucination is p much a squip, this got long tf, yes thats michael mell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-28 17:33:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13276452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scorpiusismypatronus/pseuds/scorpiusismypatronus
Summary: welcome to my den of angst and suffering I'm sorryOh btw when I wrote this I hadn't listened to any of hamilton and now i haveAlso this wasn't supposed to end up a fake-dating au but! here we are, here we are. you are so welcomeTw: self harm, suicide ideation, internalized homophobia, auditory hallucinations, visual hallucinations





	too good to be good for me

_These scars won’t hide themselves, Jared_ , the nagging voice in the back of his mind told him.

_Fuck off_ , he said back. He knew. He knew all too well. He’d survived summer every year since seventh grade. 

_Evan won’t love someone like you_ , it said.

_That’s a fucking lie_ , he shot back.  
_Romantically_ , the voice clarified.

_Okay, so?_

_So you’re worthless._

_Fuck off._

_Worthless._

_Fuck off._

_Worthless worthless worthless—_

Jared stared down at the scars on his stomach and arms. The voice was right but he didn’t have to give in, did he?

_Worthless worthless worthless woRTHLESS WORTHLESS WORTHLESS_

_SHUT THE FUCK UP_

_You know how to shut me up, Jared._

He did. He knew exactly what he’d have to do.

It had only been two weeks but for him that was a long time. For him that was forever.

He dragged the blade across his wrist again and again and again.

 

—

 

“Evan, hey.”

“J-jared. You’re here early,” said the other boy.

“Bus got here early.” Yes, he was a senior and still riding the bus. Saving money for college was important. “Am I not supposed to be at school now?” He added sarcastically, adding a bit of a smile to (hopefully) soften the blow. He didn’t want to _hurt_ the other boy, just to irritate him.

“No I'm sorry t-that’s not what I m-meant I j-just meant usually you’re not h-here t-this early and I’m always alone n-not t-that you’re obligated t-to hang out w-with me I’m sorry…”

“Are you done?” Jared asked, but the words lacked any real venom. Without waiting for an answer, he said, “I probably wouldn’t have searched the entire school for you if I didn’t want to see you.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

The silence stretches on for too long. Finally, Evan cracks, “You h-haven’t mentioned Hamilton t-the Musical y-yet, feeling okay?”

He laughs, but it hurts, because he’s not feeling okay, because he’s fucking weak. 

_You’re fucking weak, Jared. Pull yourself together. No one could love someone like you._

“Eliza's an extremely underrated character,” he stated.

“Okay? I have no idea what you’re t-talking about,” Evan said.

“Heathers the Musical is so underrated too. Do you know how much I love Jason Dean? Like, he’s a dick, and a terrible person, but also you kinda want to pull a Veronica and climb in his bedroom window, y’know?”

“Ye-no. I mean. I know? I just don’t relate.”

“Oh, right. I'm speaking with a heterosexual.”

“Uh-“ Evan glanced around the hall, looking spooked for a second, before: “I’m actually bi? But keep it on the DL. Please.”

“Okay. That’s not gonna stop me from doing this, though.” 

Evan’s eyes widened and Jared grinned. He was so proud of himself, if he was being honest, for beginning to get over his internalized homophobia enough to come out at school.

He cupped his hands over his mouth, winked at Evan, and screamed: “I’M GAY AND I LIKE DUDES.”

“PREACH,” yelled a kid in a red hoodie who was cuddling with a boy in a blue cardigan. “I LOVE LOVING GUYS.”

Jared grinned. "I see that kid at Rainbow League sometimes, y’know. Mitchell, I think, or Michael. Nah, it’s Michael. Definitely Michael.”

“Is the other guy his boyfriend?” Evan asked.

Jared turned to see the two boys full-on snogging in the hallway while the two girls they’d been sitting across from laughed. “I’d suspect so, yeah.”

_You know you’ll never be as happy as them, right? You’ll always be alone. That’s what you ARE, Jared, a loner, a loser, a worthless pathetic excuse for a teenager, you’re a pervert, you’re a freak, you’re sick. It’s no wonder Evan doesn’t like you._

“Hey, Jared. You okay?”

“Fine,” he mumbled. His smile had slipped from his face like rain down a windowpane.

“You don’t look fine.”

“Well, I am.”

_You lie to everyone. No one wants to talk to you. No one wants to be around a liar like you, Jared Kleinman._

“You sure?”

_Don’t let him catch on to the fact that you’re a freak who hears voices._

“Yeah.”

_He believed you! He doesn’t care enough to even try to see through to you! He can’t see through your facade and if he could he’d leave in a second._

“Okay.”

“I actually, um.” Jared mentally punches himself. “I have to talk to a teacher? About an assignment I missed?”

“Oh, yeah, no, definitely, that’s okay,” Evan rambled.

“Sorry, I’ll, um, I’ll see you — are you taking the bus home?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll see you then, there — there, then — sorry.”

“It’s okay,” said Jared.

And then he ran before anyone could see the stupid fucking tears coming from his eyes. He ran into the boy’s bathroom and _thank god it’s empty_. Dropped his bag on the floor of the stall in the corner and rested his head against the wall between two raised arms, fighting back a sob.

_You fucked everything up, Jared._ The voice was louder then than it had been before. He flinched. Turned. There was a person in the stall. There was a person in the stall. There was a person in his _fucking_ bathroom stall.

He digs his nails into the cuts from the night before, trying to stabilize himself, bring himself back, but there was still a person in his fucking bathroom stall.

“What the fuck?” He whispered.

“You fucked up.”

“I _know_ _that_ , dumbass. I meant why the _fuck_ are you in my bathroom stall?”

The figure shrugged. He had light hair and freckles just like Evan, but he looked like a harsher version of the boy. And somehow, bluer.

“No, I'm serious. How’d you get in here?”

“I walked. Just like you.”

“Through the locked door. Without me noticing.”

“Apparently.”

Jared swung his arm back and punched the figure right in the neck, but—right through the neck? His knuckles stung—he’d hit the wall. 

Of course he was fucking hallucinating. Now that was really the icing on the cake. 

“I'm just as real as you, Jared, or as Evan.”

“No, you’re not fucking real. I just tried to punch you and my hand went right through you. Last time I checked, real people aren’t intangible.”

“I'm a very real part of your mind, Jared.” _What does that even fucking mean_?

“ _Fuck_ you.”

“You wish Evan would.”

Jared snorted. “What do my feelings for Evan have to do with anything?”

“You’ll never be good enough for him.”

The reality came crashing in and it wasn’t funny anymore. “I _know_ ,” he said. “So you can stop fucking reminding me.”

What was even real anymore? The blood dripping from his wrists — had he scratched that much? — was that real? Or was that an illusion too?

“You still love him.”

“Yeah.”

Why was he arguing with a hallucination? Couldn’t he get rid of it?

“You shouldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“You shouldn’t love a boy.”

“I thought we were done with this bullshit?”

“Search your feelings, Jared, you know it to be true.”

“Oh my god,” Jared mumbled, now half-laughing half-crying. “Did you just fucking quote Star Wars at me? Oh my god.” He continued laughing, sure he was on the brink of a total psychotic break. “I'm Jared fucking Kleinman and my hallucination just fucking quoted Star Wars at me! Oh my god.” He wasn’t laughing anymore, but crying, because holy _fuck_ , this was a situation only _he_ would find himself in.

And then he heard shoes shuffling in.

Fuck fuck fuck. Now the whole school knew that Jared fucking Kleinman was not only insane, but a total nerd with an imaginary friend that put him down while quoting Star Wars.

“Jared? Y-you okay?”

WhY DID EVERYONE KEEP ASKING HIM THAT?

“Oh, I’m fine, thanks.”

Evan. That was Evan’s voice.

Fuck.

“You’re kinda t-talking to yourself?”

Jared sighed.

“You’re in t-the last stall, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sitting down by you.”

He glanced under the door to see that Evan had, in fact, sat down across from the door. Jared sat down too, right next to him with only the door separating him, dragging his nails across his bloody wrist.

“Hi.”

“Hi. Is t-there something you wanna t-talk about or do you have to visit another t-teacher?” Evan asked sarcastically. Then, “I'm sorry. T-that was mean.”

“It’s okay.”

“What’s going on?” Evan asked.

Jared let out a shaky laugh. “A lot. You’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit. First of all how much did you hear?”

“I came in… when you said my name?”

Fuck.

“Can I have some context there?”

“You asked what something about me had t-to do with something — I can't remember exactly.”

Jared stared at the wall in front of him, still absently picking at his wrists. “Okay. So.” He laughed a little again. “Wow, this is fucked.”

Evan stayed quiet but Jared knew (hoped) it was just to give him time to think.

“Or maybe it’s because he hates you,” suggested the voice. Jared flipped it off.

“Wow. Okay. So. I’m gonna — try — not to spill my whole life story here, but if we’re here till noon, well, fuck. Um. I was — for a while —“

_God, try to stutter a little more_ , said the voice. Jared ignored it completely.

“I’ve been hearing this — this voice? Recently? Saying I’m… well, it says horrible things. And I mean it's been there since like seventh grade, but… it’s gotten worse? Recently? It says so much bullshit, Evan, you wouldn’t believe…” he laughed bitterly. “but I've started to. And today it was so loud and so bad and so — it was so _everything_ , you know? Just everywhere all the time in everything and I couldn’t stop hearing it. So I came here.” He paused. “Sorry about that, by the way. I panicked.” He unzipped his hoodie and shoved it off — he was sitting right by the heater and it was _hot_ , and no one would see his wrists anyways. “I came in here to try to get away from it and I turn around and there’s this fucking person in my stall, right? So naturally I freak out. And I start yelling at him, and he’s like ‘I'm so great and perfect listen to me’ and I'm like ‘fuck you’ and I tried to punch him and my hand went through it and onto the wall?”

“Oh my god, are you okay?” Evan asked. “Is your hand hurt, I mean, I — obviously you’re not, like, _okay_ mentally, but, you know.”

“It’s fine,” Jared shook his head. “It said it was like, a part of my brain or some shit, I don’t know. It’s confusing. Anyway, um, I started yelling at it, and it started yelling at me, and at some point you came in and you were like ‘Jared what the fuck.’”

“Yes, my exact words,” said Evan, and Jared could hear his smile.

“That’s a direct quotation,” Jared added. “But yeah. Now you know the story. Questions, comments, feedback?” He tried to diffuse the tension.

“Umnooffenseandyoutotallydon’thavetoanswerthisifyoudon’twanttobutumIwaswonderingwhyyouweretalkingtoitaboutmewhenIwalkedin?I’msorry.”

“Um…”

“When I, um, when I c-came in, you were, you were t-talking about me? And I was wondering what it was saying?”

“Oh,” said Jared. “Yeah, uh, um, it was saying like—“ _I said ‘fuck you’ and it said ‘you wish Evan would’ but that’s kind of a conversation killer, now isn’t it?_ “that you didn’t actually care if I was okay, or whatever, um, just stuff like that?” It was the worst lie he’d ever told. JUST NOD AND CONFIRM, JARED, JUST NOD AND CONFIRM.

“Just stuff like t-that,” repeated Evan.

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“Any other questions? Comments? Criticisms?”

“Yeah. Lots. First of all though, remember Connor Murphy?”

Jared snorted. “Of course I remember Connor Murphy.”

“Remember t-the Connor Project? ‘You will be found,’ ‘you are not alone,’ ‘no one deserves t-to disappear?’”

“Yeah.”

“Well, it applies to you t-too.”

“Oh.”

_He doesn’t really mean that._

_Oh, so you’re back to talking inside my head?_

_I never left. You can’t get rid of me, Jared._

Jared sighed. “It’s talking to me again.”

“What’s it saying?”

“The usual. ‘He doesn’t mean it, no one really cares,’ y’know.”

“Well, it’s wrong.” Evan was quiet for a second. “Can I maybe come in? It’s hard for me t-to hold a conversation with someone I can’t see.”

Jared smiled sardonically. “Oh, the irony.”

“Shit, I didn’t mean—“

“No, it’s okay—“ he reached up and slid the lock — 

And let his arm crash down onto his lap because his wrists, his _fucking_ wrists.

“Hey,” said Evan, smiling down at him, closing the door and leaning against it.

“Hey.”

“Not wearing your t-trademark sweater for once?” Evan gestured to the hoodie on the floor.

“Guess not. It’s hot here.” He wanted to take it back, put it on, but there was no way to do that without Evan seeing, he couldn’t let Evan see, he couldn’t let anyone see how much of a failure he was.

“The voice?” Evan guessed.

“Nope. Just me.”

“Oh.”

“Things are shit, man.”

The bell for first period rang. Evan’s eyes widened but he made no move to leave.

“I'm sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“When t-the voices… when you started seeing it. What did it look like?”

Jared tried to recall. He’d never been the best at describing things, but… “kind of like you. Same hair. Same freckles. But he — it — whatever — had — I don’t know how to explain it, really, just, everywhere that a normal person is soft, it was angular. And it was _loud_ , Evan, it was so fucking loud.” 

“I’m so sorry, Jere, I’m so sorry.”

“Jere?”

“Sorry, I—“

“It’s okay. Ev.”

Evan smiled, and it was one of the sweetest things Jared had ever seen. He was so beautiful and Jared just wanted to kiss him right there on the dirty bathroom floor of the bathroom at the high school.

_See, this is what I’m trying to tell you! You’re a freak and a pervert and gross and disgusting and you can’t even love the right people. You’re fucking gross, Jared Kleinman. So. Fucking. Gross._

“It’s talking again,” Jared mumbled.

_Sure, go tell your boyfriend and cry about me. He doesn’t care. No one cares, Jared. Face it. No one wants to be a part of your life. You’re so worthless. Useless. Terrible. Everything about you is so terrible. You deserve to be dead._ He was picking at his wrists again, unable to cope with the voices, and Evan was saying something —

“— back. Jared, please, d-don’t listen come back Jared please—“

“I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry you shouldn't have to deal with this,” he rambled. 

_You are better off dead. You should just try to down a bottle of pills again tonight. No one would care. But hey — you’d fuck that up just like you do everything else!_

“Jared, I want you t-to feel okay, and if t-that means being with you while y-you’re hurting then I’ll damn well -- what the fuck happened to your arm?”

Fuck.

“I, um—“

“I’msorryIshouldn’thaveaskedthatitwasinvasiveandrudeandmeanI’msosorryJared.”

“It’s okay,” he said, but his mind was reeling, what could he say, what lie could he come up with… _you shouldn’t have let him in_.

“Can I at least… see your arm? Bandage it? Because t-that looks fucking scary,” said Evan.

“Okay,” Jared mumbled. And while he was at it ( _it_ being fucking up his own life) he held out the other wrist. “Wanna do that one too?” The cuts were too straight, too precise, to be accidental. His voice was flat. He’d lost all emotion at this point, because the voice was right, _no one gave a shit_.

“Okay. You really should have bandaged this, y’know.”

Jared didn’t respond and Evan reached under the stall door, pulling his backpack into the stall and taking out a first aid kit. (Why the hell did the kid have a full first aid kit in his bag?!)

So quick he thought he imagined it, Evan wiped his eyes with the back of a hand. He probably imagined it. He had a voice telling him he was worthless constantly in his mind, after all. 

“So,” Evan said, taking out a bottle of something proclaiming itself ‘sting free,’ “if — if I were a seventeen year old b-boy sitting on the floor of t-the bathroom while one of my best friends is having a breakdown and t-then I saw... marks like this, which are, believe it or not, rather familiar to me… I would b-be concerned, right?”

“Probably.” His mind had latched onto “familiar to me.” This boy — he deserved everything, the sun and the moon and the stars. Not this kind of hurt.

“Should I be?”

“Yeah.”

“How long has this been going on?”

“The attacks from a vicious pet caterpillar? Since seventh grade.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah.”

Evan finished bandaging the first arm he’d seen and moved on to the second one. There was something remarkably clinical and yet loving about how he moved. Jared loved it.

“In this hypothetical situation, I’d want the other person to know I cared about them,” Evan mumbled, eyes focused on the medical tape he was fighting with.

“Hypothetically, I would too.”

“Hypothetically I’d wonder what was eating away at him so much.”

“Hypothetically you'd have to be ready for the answer and it might be complicated and it might not all be what you expect. You know. Hypothetically.”

“Hypothetically.”

“I suppose you want me to tell you.”

“Yeah.”

Jared leaned against Evan’s shoulder, and the other boy froze for a second before relaxing and continuing to work on Jared’s bandages. “I, um. Well. You know how I’m… kind of a dick about being a family ‘friend.’”

“Yeah,” said Evan, a bit of teasing in his voice. Jared glanced up over the rim of his glasses to see that he was smiling wide in the way that made his heart melt every goddamn time.

“Well I've always — well — you kind of probably already know this? But I don’t have very many other friends?”

Evan nodded. “Yeah…”

“And my parents, they, uh, they’re a special type of asshole. They say we’re Jewish but I think their religion is just ‘hurt as many oppressed groups as you can’ and it’s so hard to be around them. They’re toxic. And then — they — I’m never good enough for them. Or anyone. And there’s no good way for me to build a life up for myself. And I'm so loud about being gay here but it’s terrifying to go home and wonder if my parents have figured it out and what they’ll say and if they’ll hurt me and I'm so — I'm always scared. And I’ve — I'm convinced I'm not good enough for anyone, _don’t give me that fucking look, Evan_ —“ Evan was giving him the look that meant ‘I'm about to tell you how wrong you are’ and Jared didn’t want to be lied to. “—and there’s — there’s this guy.”

Evan nodded, his facial expression an enigma that Jared was too destroyed to solve. “He's — he’s like — his smile is sunlight. You don’t really know how much you can love someone until you see it. He’s, he, he doesn’t talk a lot but I could listen to him talk about anything all day long, even if I had no idea what he was talking about. Because it would be worth seeing him happy. When he listens to songs he likes he bounces his head slightly and it’s so cute.” Jared paused, sighing, trying to describe Evan to Evan without letting onto the fact that he was talking about Evan. “I… every time I think about him I think I've hit Maximum Gay but then he does something cute and my heart’s like ‘wow’ and my Maximum Gay increases.”

Evan smiled. “He sounds like a great guy,” he said quietly. There was still a layer of something behind his eyes and Jared wanted desperately to know what it was.

“He is. He really is.”

“He’s lucky,” Evan mumbled, so quietly Jared wondered if he’d misheard, “t-that someone like you likes him.”

“I'm the lucky one to even know him,” Jared mumbled back. “I don't deserve someone that good.”

“You’ve heard T-troye Sivan’s ’T-too Good,’ r-right?”

“Yeah. That’s… exactly it.”

“I t-thought so.”

Jared sighed. This boy, this beautiful, perfect boy, couldn’t fucking see that he was in love with him.

And it was for the better.

It all hurt so bad.

Almost absently, Jared moved to scratch at the bandage over his wrist. Evan caught both of his hands in his own and Jared’s breath caught.

“Don’t do t-that,” Evan said. “T-take care of yourself.”

Jared smiled slightly but he wanted to cry. This boy was too good for him. 

_Too bad that that’s all I need_.

“You okay?” Evan asked after a second.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just thinking.”

“About?”

_You_. “Just the guy again.”

_Just_.

“Okay. Do you — I never t-thought I’d be saying t-this — you’re a bad influence, Jared — d’you wanna just cut school t-today? Go do something? Because I c-can’t focus on anything when t-there’s something more important going on.”

“I just don’t wanna fuckin' be here,” said Jared honestly, “but sure. Where d’you wanna go?”

“Wanna go t-to Pink Berry?”

“Do I ever not?” It was a rhetorical question.

“Okay point.”

“And then do you wanna go to the movies?”

“And see what?”

“Star Wars?”

“Do I ever n-not want t-to see the new Star Wars? Oh and I have a questionyoudon’thavetoanswerbutIwaswondering—”

“Evan, slow down.”

“I was wondering — I h-heard you say t-the voices were quoting Star Wars—?”

Jared laughed. An honest-to-god-laugh, and all because of this boy. “Yeah, no, it said ‘search your feelings, Jared, you know it to be true’ and I just lost it. God. Iconic.”

Evan smiled. That smile was perfect. Jared could watch him smile forever. 

“So. Pink Berry, and t-then Star Wars?”

“Sounds like a plan,” said Jared, reaching up for a high-five, which Evan met with enthusiasm.

 

—

 

Personally, Jared thought that lemon ice cream was a morally dubious idea, but he went with it, because Evan suggested it, and he’d probably go on that one ride at the amusement park where it just _drops_ with no warning if Evan suggested it. He poured on whipped cream and cherries and gummy bears and Reece's Pieces and chocolate syrup and sprinkles like a five year old. He glanced over at Evan’s bowl, which was lemon ice cream with whipped cream, a cherry on the top, and a few sprinkles. It was just like him. 

If someone’s _ice cream choices_ make you fall more in love, you’re in too deep.

The two boys grinned at each other upon seeing the difference in their ice cream preferences and Jared sighed. The two of them stepped up to the register, Evan digging in his pocket for his wallet and Jared pulling out his faster, shooting Evan his best ‘ _don’t you fucking dare argue with me_ ’ look.

The lady at the counter smiled at them. “That’ll be $18.22,” she said.

Jared struggled with his credit card for a second before swiping it.

“All right,” said the lady once it had gone through. "You guys are good to go. By the way,” she added offhandedly, “you two make a really cute couple.”

“Um—“ Evan began.

“Thanks, miss,” Jared smiled brilliantly at her, lacing his fingers through Evan’s (because now he had a reason to).

“Of course,” she smiled.

Jared made a big deal of swinging his and Evan’s arms as they walked to a table, Evan rolling his eyes the whole time. 

“What was t-that for?” Evan asked, but he didn’t sound mad.

“What do you mean? I'm just having a nice snack with my boyfriend.”

Evan paused with his bowl of ice cream halfway down to the table, cheeks turning a furious red. “JARED—“

“You’re cute. Sit down.”

Cheeks still flushed bright red, he did, and Jared sat next to him. Their hands, he noticed, were still interlocked. 

“Are you gonna hold my hand the entire t-time?” Evan teased.

“Probably, yeah,” Jared said, trying to fight down the blush that was rising on his cheeks.

“You’re cute,” Evan echoed, tapping Jared’s nose with his free hand. “Now eat.”

This did not help Jared’s blush.

He took a huge scoop of whipped cream and sprinkles, grinning at the horrified look on Evan’s face.

“T-the whipped cream goes WITH t-the ice cream, Jared!”

“No, it goes in my mouth.”

“I mean, yes, t-that too…”

Jared grinned and took another bite of his sugary catastrophe, this time actually ending up with some ice cream on his spoon.

“You were right,” he mumbled. “This is really fuckin’ good.”

“I'm always right,” said Evan.

Jared, who was glancing away to avoid increasing the blush on his cheeks, noticed the cashier grinning at the two of them.

“Apparently we make a convincing couple,” Jared said, nodding to the woman. Evan glanced up and grinned. “At least our fake relationship is m-making someone happy.”

_It’s making_ me _happy, dumbass_. “True.” He paused. “What do couples even do? I’ve never been in a relationship.”

“You’re asking the wrong guy.”

“You were with Zoe!”

“Not really? I mean t-the whole thing was built o-on lies and we weren’t, like, public. Or gay.”

“Okay, true.”

“I t-think t-they kind of just kiss? And a-also support each other? I dunno.”

“So like a friendship but with kissing.”

“Pretty — pretty much, yeah.”

“We’re halfway there,” Jared joked, but he was _hurting_ because _god_ , now he was thinking about kissing Evan, and it was something he really wanted to do, but he wanted it to _mean_ something, he didn’t want it to be just for show.

He could never have this boy.

_You’re a freak, Jared. He will never love you back, Jared._

_I know._

_This is all a joke! This is all to keep the lady at the cash register happy!_

_I know._

_You are worthless; you mean nothing to him or anyone else._

_…I know._

“Hey. Jere.”

“It’s back,” Jared sighed. “It had been leaving me alone.”

“Anything new?”

“Same old ‘no one loves you, no one will ever love you’ bullshit.”

“You c-call it bullshit but you agree with it,” Evan noted.

“Yeah. Well. It’s right. It's also a dick.”

“It’s wrong,” Evan said. “B-but it is a dick.”

“Can we just agree to disagree on this?”

“No.”

“Someone’s assertive today.”

“Yeah, well, fuck you,” said Evan, but he was smiling.

“You wish I would,” Jared said without thinking, and added a wink to help hide the fact that inside he was screaming _JARED, WHAT THE FUCK, WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT, YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP HE WON’T WANT TO BE AROUND YOU ANYMORE_

“Oh my god,” Evan mumbled, and his face was a special shade of red, one that Jared personally wanted to keep a mental image of whenever he needed to laugh at the boy he was in love with. “Y-you can’t j-just say t-things like t-that!”

“I can and I did,” Jared shrugged.

_He hates you._

_Shut the fuck up._

_I’m only telling the truth._

“T-there are _c-children_ in here, Jared, i-innocent children.”

“You’re the one who said ‘fuck.’”

“I m-mean — you’re r-right but —“

“Ha! I'm right. Hear that, world, my boyfriend thinks I'm right!” It was so nice to be able to call Evan his boyfriend.

Even if it was fake.

“Oh, f-fuck off,” Evan grinned.

“You’re cute,” Jared teased. It only added to the redness of Evan’s cheeks. “And now, let’s go see Star Wars.”

 

—

 

“I can’t believe you convinced me t-to fake-date you,” said Evan as Jared played yet another Taylor Swift song. 

“Taylor's fucking iconic, Evan, I don’t know why you don’t understand this.” Taylor began singing the first line of ‘You Belong With Me’ and Evan groaned.

Jared tried really, really hard not to think about Evan groaning.

_Really, really hard._

Jared told his brain to shut the fuck up.

“SO,” said Jared hurriedly, trying to ignore the train of thought that was currently driving 250mph to someplace he didn’t want it to go. “I do have a playlist of iconic songs if you’d like to hear it.”

“I’m not sure I’d _like_ t-to, but I _need_ t-to,” Evan said.

“All right. Hitting shuffle.”

The first song to come on was, of course, the crush song.

“OH MY GOD,” Jared yelled. “D’you know this one?”

“Not sure yet—“

“hUSH HUSH HUSH BLUSH BLUSH BLUSH YOU ARE NOW MY BIG FAT CRUSH—“

“I know t-this one. I would prefer it if I didn’t.”

“REASON NUMBER ONE I’M SUPER HOT, REASON NUMBER TWO SHE’S SUPER NOT—“

“Jared, p-please, for t-the love of God and Jesus and all t-that is holy—“

“HUG ME, — Evanyou’reJewish- AND, WELL, FUCK ME.”

“WE ARE NOT LISTENING TO T-THIS, JARED.”

“Fine.” Jared pressed skip, and —

“HE WAS A BOY, I WAS A GIRL, CAN I MAKE IT ANY MORE OBVIOUS?”

“Okay, let’s b-be real, t-this song is my fucking jam," said Evan. “but I refuse to listen to it.”

“HOW CAN YOU SEE INTO MY EYES? LIKE OPEN DOORS? LEADING YOU DOWN INTO MY CORE—“

“JARED KLEINMAN!”

“LISTEN UP Y’ALL, CAUSE THIS — I need a boyfriend because in that one part about the gym when she’s like whOOO I can’t switch notes that fast —GALICIOUS DEFINITION MAKE THEM BOYS GO LOCO THEY WANT THEIR TREASURES SO THEY GET THE—“

“JARED!”

“Can I at least do the rap?”

“Fine. I’ll be very impressed if you're able to do it.”

“EverytimeIturnaroundbrothersgatheredroundalwayslookingatmeupanddownlookinatmyuhhhIjustwannasaynowIain’ttrynaroundupdramalittlemamaIdon’twannatakeamanandIknowI’mcomingoffjustalittlebitconceitedandIkeeponrepeatinghowtheboyswannaeatitbutI’mtrynatellthatICAN’TBETREATEDLIKECLIENTELE! What were you saying?”

“…I’m very impressed.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

“SomeBODY ONCE TOLD ME THE WO—“

“Jared.”

“Fine, holy shit, you don’t like my ironic jams.”

Toxic by Britney Spears came on and Evan groaned (again). 

“No?”

“No. I can’t b-believe my fake boyfriend listens to t-this stuff.”

“It's for the memes, Hansen. It’s all for the memes.”

 

—

 

“Seriously though, Evan? Thank you.” Jared tapped the steering wheel, needing to make eye contact but not wanting to. “I, um. If you hadn’t found me in the bathroom today, I — who knows where I would have been?”

“It’s — It’s no problem. I—obviously you needed t-to — to t-talk to someone and — what kind of fr—of a family friend would I be if I didn’t l-if I didn’t let you?”

“Friend. We’re friends, Evan, you dumbass.” He snuck a glance at the other boy, who was blushing, but he was always blushing. This was nothing new.

“Pretending t-to be boyfriends was fun,” Evan admitted, blushing even more. 

Jared tilted his head, smiling at the other boy. He adjusted the sleeves of his (Evan’s) hoodie (he’d gotten cold in the movie theatre, and the boys had swapped sweaters, as Evan’s was thicker). “It was.”

“Can I ask a question?”

“You just did.”

“Can I ask another question?”

“You mean besides—“

“Yes, Jared.”

“Go ahead.”

“Are you gonna answer honestly — FUCK, T-THAT WAS A QUESTION.”

“Depends on the next question you ask,” Jared shrugged. “But probably.”

“You were t-talking about t-that boy, t-the one whose smile is like sunshine? Wh-who—I was just w-wondering—who's l-lucky enough for you t-to-to like t-them?”

_You._

_You._

_You._

_You._

_You._

_You._

Jared cleared his throat. “He’s… um. I — um — Sorry, gimme a second.”

_YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU_

_How do I tell this boy that I’m in love with him?_

“If — if I could tell him everything — if I could tell him he’s everything to me — I mean — I would — but I feel like he’d run away — do you think he would?”

Evan eyed him sideways. “I mean. I wouldn’t. If I were in t-that situation.”

“Dumbassfelloutofatree.”

“What?”

Jared cleared his throat again.

“Well, I mean — dumbass loves trees as much as I love him." He cleared his throat again, carefully monitoring Evan’s expression. “He’s kind of a — a tree expert? Actually?”

It was beginning to dawn on Evan, if his expression was any indication.

“He’s really good at writing too. I wrote some stuff with him once. It was, okay, maybe not morally right, but — hey, it was fun.”

Evan was _definitely_ catching his drift.

“He also says Sk8er Boi is his jam, which leads me to wonder why The Crush Song can’t be _my_ jam, but okay.”

It had hit Evan directly in the face, if his expression was any indication.

“He — he has these eyes, too, y’know? The most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen.”

The other boy was blushing now. Jared took that as a good sign.

“He’s much taller than me,” he added as he pulled up to Evan’s house. “It kinda makes me wonder if I’d have to stand on my toes to kiss him.”

“N-not if you w-were sitting,” Evan suggested, which was incredibly brave of him, seeing as Jared was sitting right at that moment, what a coincidence…

“I dunno, what if I wanted to kiss him standing up?”

“W-while I’m sure he’d love t-that,” Evan blushed, “you probably w-would need t-to stand on your t-toes a little, yeah.”

Jared grinned. “I still would like to test the theory.”

“It’d p-probably help t-to not be in the car,” Evan said.

“You’re right,” said Jared.

He turned the key and kicked his door open, going around the car to open Evan’s for him too.

“A t-true gentleman,” Evan smirked.

“Yeah,” Jared smiled up at him. “I try my best.”

“Hmm,” said Evan in that ‘ _you’re lying but I’m not going to point it out_ ’ way that made Jared want to kiss him.

Every cell in his body wanted to kiss him.

He was so far away.

“Can we maybe communicate in non-hypotheticals? Because —“ Jared took a deep breath. It was now or never. “I really wanna kiss you.”

“T-that’s good. ‘Cause I really wanna kiss you too.”

Jared pushed himself up on his toes (goddamnit) and took both Evan’s hands in his, suddenly feeling nervous. _What if he didn’t do it right? What if_ —

“Are—are you sure?” Evan asked.

“God, Evan, I’m — I’ve never been so sure of something before in my life.”

And with that he leaned up, and Evan leaned down, and Evan’s lips were on his and it was, undoubtedly, one of the best moments of his life.

It went on forever and for such a short time. He wanted more — he wanted this, always. He wanted to wake to kiss Evan and to give him a goodnight kiss before going to sleep.

The pressure of the other boy’s lips on his made his heart race more than it already was. He could taste buttery popcorn on Evan’s lips. 

Jared wondered if this was what heaven was like. Kissing the boy you love for the first time.

When they broke apart, Jared let out a slight laugh. “Woah.”

“Woah is right,” said Evan, laughing a little too.

“Can we maybe be real boyfriends?” Jared asked, almost timidly. “Instead of fake?”

“Please,” Evan mumbled.

Jared pulled him closer and kissed him again. And in that moment, everything was okay.


End file.
